Американский юмор

[Outdoorman]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Outdoorman]

Post Ofice Box 666

[Outdoorman]

Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
state dinner. Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and
have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course
served was matzoh ball soup.
George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells
an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The
aide says that Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor
of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then
swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes
it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do Jews eat any other part
of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

[Outdoorman]

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:



Under same management for over 5763 years.



Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.



What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?



Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.



Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : " The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."



My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.



Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Morris, seated in front.

"What are my choices?," Morris asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.



Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."



And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

[Мрако Бес]

А мне нравится канадский юмор-The Red Green Show
http://www.redgreen.com/

[Мрако Бес]

Одна американска хвалится другой-мой муж к свадьбе подарил мне кольцо с розовым бриллиантом за миллион.Вторая женщина-oh,how nice.
Первая-а сразу после свадьбы 600-ый мерседес.
Вторая-oh,how nice
А на медовый месяц он купил кругосветное путешествие в лучшей каюте самого роскошного лайнера.
Вторая-oh,how nice.
Первая-да что ты всё повторяешь одно и тоже.Что твой муж сделал для тебя.
Вторая-мой муж заплатил за мой колледж где меня научили говорить oh,how nice вместо fuck you.

[SlavickP]

Мне нравится газета The Onion. Вот типичный пример их материала:

Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans

[Charlie]

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

[Levy]

А. Ширяев:

Был открыт салун всю ночь и не спал бармен всю ночь
И его помощник Джо всю ночь не спал
И (такие вот дела) лошадь синяя вошла
Ухмыльнувшись, покосилась на стакан

Был на ней большой цилиндр, черный шелковый цилиндр,
Кольт на поясе и на хвосте банты
Лошадь гаркнула: "Ку-ку" и прошлась по потолку,
Оставляя цепью грязные следы...

Лошадь к стойке подошла, прямо к стойке подошла
И, откашлявшись, сказала наконец:
Вот Вам доллар, милый мой, дайте мне без содовой
Пару виски и соленый огурец

А потом она ушла, помахав хвостом, ушла
И бармен смотрел ей вслед с открытым ртом.
Он сказал: "Послушай, Джо, никогда я не видал...
...Чтобы виски заедали огурцом..."

[Uncle Sam]

What's the difference between a Jewish princess and a Mexican princess?
A Mexican princess has fake jewelery and real orgasms.

[владимир]

А потом она ушла, помахав хвостом, ушла
И бармен смотрел ей вслед с открытым ртом.
Он сказал: "Послушай, Джо, никогда я не видал...
...Чтобы виски заедали огурцом..."

Есть английский вариант этого анекдота:
В паб входит посетитель, молча проходит по стене, по потолку, опускается у стойки и молча показывает бармену один палец. Бармен наливает ему виски, тот выпивает и также молча по стене и потолку уходит. Посетитель у стойки разинул рот от удивления. Бармен: "Не удивляйтесь, сэр, он всегда так - когда приходит, не здоровается, а когда уходит, не прощается."

[Levy]

владимир, этот "английский" вариант скорее всего, придумали русские. Потому, что, бармен здоровается первым, бармен же первым прощается.
Впрочем, про лошадь, скорее всего, тоже русская придумка, поскольку огурцом после виски хрустят только русские.

[Max Jr.]

http://www.michaelhodges.com/stuff/funny/2008cc1.swf

[Levy]

Max Jr., остроумно сделано. Многие, однако, могут это расценить, как агитка в пользу Хиллари. Может, так и задумано?

[Max Jr.]

Levy, шоб я знал ?!

[Levy]

Max Jr., и никто не знает. Хиля - штучка очень непростая, неизвестно, что у неё завтра выскочит из рукава.

[Uncle Sam]

What is tuna?
It's a fish that smells like a finger.

[Outdoorman]

Реклама часов.

[Outdoorman]

MA ZE?

[Outdoorman]

Wait until you see the latest with Homeland Security. It is unbelievable and a bit scary. This is upsetting, but I thought I should pass it along. Check your drivers license. Now you can see anyone's driver's license on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was.. . picture and all!! Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights?
I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same. Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Beverly